You may be misunderstanding what the man is saying to you. He may have been clumsy in his delivery, but he may not be looking for you to look “more white”, he may just like your skin tone as it is. My grandchildren like to say “Daddy’s white, mommy’s black, and we are mocha.” They don’t even think they are African American, they are a blend of African and American. And yes, they have beautiful skin… better than my son and their mom. I would not want them to be “more white” or “more black”… I like the blend.
My son (white) is very different from me. Early on it was clear he preferred black women. It was no surprise to me or anyone, that the girl of his dreams was black as night. Not “mocha”. Chances are you would have been “to white” for him. So would you have been insulted if he said, I like you but your complexion is simply to white for me. Would that have been a “micro-aggression” against your white side or simply an expression of preference?
My second marriage is with an Asian woman. I think our children have beautiful complexions. Half white and half Asian. I think it is much nicer, than my blonde hair, white as snow, complexioned daughter from my first marriage. While I love that daughter, she has to be so careful to put on some make-up and where bold clothing or she looks “washed out”. My daughters from my second marriage look good in almost any color, except certain yellow browns that give them a “washed out” look.
The point is men have preferences. If your point is men should not express those preferences… fine. But I believe based on my limited experience that woman worry about how they look to someone they like. It sounds like you had reservations from the get go with this guy and so him telling you he liked your complexion was received totally differently than you might received that information had you been head over heels crazy about him, but worried that he might not like your ethnicity. Perhaps, he was clumsily trying to put you at ease and failed miserably.
At the bigger level, I discovered that superficial preferences really are not important… the hard way. For most of my dating life, I dated tall, mostly fair skinned blonde women. My first wife fit the profile and the married was a disaster and ended in divorce. Then along comes my wife: short, Asian, black hair. We dated because I was attracted to her personality so much, I put my “complexion” preferences on the shelf. The longer we dated, the “more beautiful” she became. I still think she is beautiful after more than 30 years together and guess what I am attracted to her complexion. Sometimes the cover sells the book… sometimes the book sells the cover.
On the subject of compliments…
Your date reminds of the story about a young man going on his first date. His dad gives him advice and tells him to make sure he says something nice. He comes home a half hour later. His dad surprised… asks him what happened. The boy responds, Dad, your advice was terrible. The confused father says what advice? The boy said about complimenting his date. His father says what do you mean? The boy said, it was hot in the movie theater, and so I told her that I was impressed that she did not sweat much. She told me to take her home.
