For the record, there is nothing that precludes great sex in a Christian marriage or guarantees it. The Bible often refers to sex as “knowing” someone. I like that. When a couple shares sex with one another, they get to know one another in a way no one else knows them. It makes this relationship special and unique. Sex can be great fun and serves many purposes beyond producing children.

I don’t doubt your feelings or that somehow you were raised to believe that sex was anything other than a gift from God, but my sense is that many parents especially Christian parents are so concerned about the negative outcomes of sex between an “uncommitted couple” that they fail to speak about the joys of sex between committed ones.

Uncommitted sex can compound the problems of unwanted pregnancy, lead to the transmission of STDs, and often a feeling of being used or taken advantage of. Not all uncommitted sex ends that way, but I do think in most cases uncommitted couples are not viewing sex the same way and that causes feelings of being used. Often these experiences cause parents to have a negative view of sex, which they pass on to their children. So they spend to much time on the negative risks of sex to discourage their children from having sex and not enough time on the joys of sex.

Sex is also biology. And people can as you note be born with physical issues that need to be addressed in order to have “great sex”. As someone who worked in health care and ran a large women’s health care practice, it was common to hear from physicians that women were proactively addressing biological issues related to their fertility problems, but far more rare to hear that woman were proactively addressing biological issues related to sex.

But don’t blame Christianity for these problems. Besides any hang ups parents have with sex based on their own experiences, they have the natural desire of parents to shield their children from potential emotional harm and outright physical danger sex can cause. And so they often fail to communicate or they have forgotten how wonderful sex can be as you and your partner get to “know” one another in a way that can create a bond that causes you to grow together to such a degree, you can weather the ups and downs of a lifetime relationship.

I do think Christians tend to marry to soon (data shows we marry younger than most couples) and that does lead to poor choices. I know it did for me. Like you, I was in a bad marriage and it took time for me to just accept that fact. I am now remarried and have been for 28 years and it has been great. So my hope for you is that you find someone that you truly love and that you go back and separate what Christianity is really about from the baggage your parents hung on it. Christianity is about how God has pursued having a relationship with us. It is a love story. To many people have turned it into a book of rules that determine whether you are damned or not.